OK, I have to be honest. I have put off posting for the last two months because what I feel and what I know I “should” feel are so far and distant from each other that I cant even make sense of why I am going though what it happening to me.
As all of my loved ones know I was declared cancer free at the beginning of June….what I didn’t plan on, what I didn’t account for is this long road ahead that I have found myself on.
It is totally normal for chemo patients to have fatigue, insomnia, pain, and a laundry list of other aliments all of which the doctors are spot on in treating. What I hadn’t planned on is that just because the cancer is “gone” all the aliments are still here…. And what’s worse is that I have a doctor with the attitude of “I cured you the rest isn’t my problem”
I wake up every morning praying I have the strength to make it through the day, weekends are the hardest because I don’t have the relief of daycare to count on for several hours like I do during the week. I spend my days fighting the muscle weakness and pain to try to do simplest of things like fold a load of laundry or take the trash out. I have given up on harder tasks like cleaning the hardwood floors or the tub…..thus it simply doesn’t get done.
I try my best to eat….most days the thought of food just makes me gag. I try to take a nap most days but I am sure that it’s worsening my insomnia. I cant sleep at night and when I do the dreams are unbearable. I try to play with Sarai in the afternoons/evenings but simple things just wear me out….. Giving her a bath can leave me sitting on the floor fighting back tears from the muscle pain and shear exhaustion.
I know I sound like a whim like I am just bitching when I should be shouting from the rooftops that I have made it through this horrible past six months and the five rounds of chemo. I really am grateful and that’s what’s even more frustrating…. I want to get my life back I want to do chores, take care of my child and really and truly want to go back to work…… but how can I do these things when the simple walk up the driveway to get the mail breaks me down
I’ve read so many things about creating a new normal, and the changes that patients go through after treatment…… all I am asking is to have my life back, however shitty it was before cancer it was better than this pitiful existence I am left with now………………………..