AML Round #2

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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My new normal?



OK, I have to be honest. I have put off posting for the last two months because what I feel and what I know I “should” feel are so far and distant from each other that I cant even make sense of why I am going though what it happening to me.
As all of my loved ones know I was declared cancer free at the beginning of June….what I didn’t plan on, what I didn’t account for is this long road ahead that I have found myself on.
It is totally normal for chemo patients to have fatigue, insomnia, pain, and a laundry list of other aliments all of which the doctors are spot on in treating. What I hadn’t planned on is that just because the cancer is “gone” all the aliments are still here…. And what’s worse is that I have a doctor with the attitude of “I cured you the rest isn’t my problem”
I wake up every morning praying I have the strength to make it through the day, weekends are the hardest because I don’t have the relief of daycare to count on for several hours like I do during the week. I spend my days fighting the muscle weakness and pain to try to do simplest of things like fold a load of laundry or take the trash out. I have given up on harder tasks like cleaning the hardwood floors or the tub…..thus it simply doesn’t get done.
I try my best to eat….most days the thought of food just makes me gag. I try to take a nap most days but I am sure that it’s worsening my insomnia. I cant sleep at night and when I do the dreams are unbearable. I try to play with Sarai in the afternoons/evenings but simple things just wear me out….. Giving her a bath can leave me sitting on the floor fighting back tears from the muscle pain and shear exhaustion.
I know I sound like a whim like I am just bitching when I should be shouting from the rooftops that I have made it through this horrible past six months and the five rounds of chemo. I really am grateful and that’s what’s even more frustrating…. I want to get my life back I want to do chores, take care of my child and really and truly want to go back to work…… but how can I do these things when the simple walk up the driveway to get the mail breaks me down
I’ve read so many things about creating a new normal, and the changes that patients go through after treatment…… all I am asking is to have my life back, however shitty it was before cancer it was better than this pitiful existence I am left with now………………………..

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are stuck with all these ailments and don't have anyone to help you out. Hopefully time will help but you need to reiterate to the doc that you are still in a lot of pain and fatigued so they can do something about it. Don't take no for an answer!

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  2. Honey, I am so sorry you are struggling so hard! I wish I were closer so I could help you in some way. All I can do is send my strength, love and hugs to you from a far, and pray that it improves soon for you!

    Love you sweetie! Do as much as you can, take as much rest as you need, and try to enjoy the simple things!

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  3. It really breaks my heart everytime I read something about suffering.

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