AML Round #2

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Christy's Cancer Counter

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Just because I have cancer doesnt make me a bad mother....



I have been dealing with a lot of guilt lately.  Some self induced and some inflicted by others around me.  BC (before cancer) I worked a very full time job, 60-80hrs a week sometimes sacrificing nights and weekends off for the sake of the job.  Cancer brought all of this to a screeching hault and replaced it with 168 days in the hospital in less than six months.  Short trips home when even then I was too sick to do much more than lay in bed and pray that my active interested inquisitive 3 year old would snuggle and love on me.
Cancer has been really hard on my little girl too.  Tho on the surfice she seems to have taken things in stride, just mention of the doctor or the hospital peeks her anxiety and she starts in saying "Momma please dont go, no more hospitals no more doctors"  When I am having a down day, like us recovering from chemo seem to have, she is very senistive patting me and worrying telling others to shush cause her mommy isnt feeling well.  A bruise on my arm send her into high allert of pats and kisses and mommy are you oks.
It really hurts to see my child worry like this, she shouldnt have to even understand the concept of a serious illness much less have to live with it.  It makes me cry to think of the fear and uncertainaty I have caused her.... She is at that age that she wants to know but cant understand.....
I try to tell her that things are ok, that Mommy is alright and the doctors are all working very hard to keep her alright,,, breaks my heart that I have brought these fears and insecurties into her life
As a parent it's our dream our job to allow our beautiful innocent children are able to remain that way as long as possible....to enjoy their youth and their blissful ignorance of the sadness and darkness that abounds in this world.....wish she didnt have to see, wish she didnt have to know......
She is my world, she is my life, she is my heart, she is my breath without her I am nothing.....


2 comments:

  1. Christy, I so understand! It breaks my heart for what MJ has gone through. I try very hard not to focus on it. It took a lot for me to realize this made him a much more sensitive boy. In some ways it is good and in some it is bad. We have no control over this hand we and our children, families & friends were dealt. Please try and realize it bothers you way more than it will ever bother her. Just keep doing what you are doing! While she will remember the bruises and the time sick she will remember also all the time at the park, out with friends, snuggles and movies! It doesn't matter why she was getting snuggles and movies it matters that she will remember getting them.

    We all have some semblance of guilt in parenting. Whether it be sickness, time away, something that happened beyond our control. For us that card is Cancer. If it wasn't that it would be your hours away at your job. Just think then you wouldn't get all these snuggles and playtime!

    Don't beat yourself up my friend. We are doing all we can do and in some ways I think it has made us a more aware parent! Enjoy this time you have with her guilt free, it goes so fast!

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  2. Oh, Christy! Huge hugs, my dear! I only have a problem with one thing you wrote: that you feel guilty for bringing this into Sarai's life. You most certainly DID NOT bring this into her life! You both have had it thrust upon you, unwillingly. You are both amazing, sweet, and strong, and you are both being made stronger through this! She worries about you, yes, and that is natural. But she is learning how to be sensitive and caring and how to watch out for others, through this. She will also hold you in the highest regard forever, as the strong, loving mama that you are.

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