AML Round #2

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Sunday, March 13, 2011

Intro to me (Part Two...Cancer)

As I mentioned before I had a dilusion that being dignosed with Cancer things would change, bridges would be built issues would be resolved.  This was so far from the cold hard truth.  Cancer makes live crude, real, brutal, and sometimes very overwhelming.  It can bring out horrible traits in others that before they might have been able to hide.
I witnessed the remained of the breakdown of our family unit as I struggled and suffered endless chemo, pain, testing, and trials of despritly attempting to maintain my life.  I learned that my husband "doesnt do illness" I became very isolated and drepressed I was shut off from the very people I needed to have by my side.
Through God's grace the wonderful woman who were there for me during my pregnancy struggles they rallied around me and were my main stay and my life through all of my horrible cancer journey. 

The line in the sand was drawn midway thought treatment when P told me "Im only still doing this becasuse you have cancer".  I had an apifiny that night.... I know it will take a lot of work and a lot of time but I am not going to flounder in a miserable relationship where when I needed my partner the most he let me down in everyway.....lots of changes to come.....
just so very sad that Cancer broke us upart instead of bring us together....

Intro of Me (my life as it is now) Part One (before cancer).....

On the surface a topic like this should seem easy to cover.  Something I should be able to sum up in a paragraph or two but as true with so many things in order to understand the present you must also explore the past.....


As of today I am a 35 year old mother of a 3 year 9 month old little girl a the partner co-habitant/wife for the past 10 years to P. I am 14+ months into the most eye opening trama of my life, AML Leukemia. More has changed in the last year of my life than in all other years combined.  I am at a precairous crossroads right now with many big decisions to make not knowing if when they will need to be made.

Here comes to the part that I feel nothing that is going on now will make sense unless you first hear how we got to this point to begin with.  I had this misguided delusion that Cancer would fix the problems I have in my life, that those around me would see the fraility of life and make concerted efforts to right wrongs and make the most of "the time we have left".  I couldnt have been further from the truth. 
Mine and P's relationship and marrige started out promising.  We had the normal adjustmets that couples make when they go from fending for themselves to thinking about others in day to day activities and life.  P came along in my life when I was really ready to settle down, I had made up my mind I wanted to be married (not that the opportunity hadnt been there in the past) and he was most of the things I felt I wanted and needed in a life partner. My only real reservation was his lack of affection and emotion and me feeling like I wasnt as important to him as I should be (had I known what I know now that would have been a big red flag) . The first 2 years of our relationship and 2 of marriage went by pretty smoothly.  Any fights that were had were superficial and about stuff like not spending enough time with me.... silly stuff. I always drew comfort in the fact tht our intimate life was good and tho he had issues with verbal emotions and showing casual affection we were still intimate on a good basis so that must mean things were ok.
At this point in time we felt that it was time to start thinking about having a baby, and tho I had been off birth control for 3 years it didnt just happen on it's own for us.  So in the Spring of 2004 I did some parental planning reading and by June we had our first sucessful pregnancy, only to have it quickly end with a spontanious miscarrage at 6 weeks.  This is a side note to it all but I had been pregnant once before meeting P so we knew I was ABLE to.  As shocking and devisating as it was I got pregnant again right away and this time things seemed to be going better.  They checked my HcG pregnancy hormones several times over the first few week and things looked great.  At 9 weeks we went in for our first ultrasound.  The tech was immediatly nervous and uncomforable.  She left the room to get the doctor and returned, we were told that the baby did not have a heartbeat and that I would have to have a procedure called a D&C because my body had not recognized that the pregnancy was not viable.  This goes down as one of the worst days of my life; the whole experience the doctor's cold attitude, the hospital trip and complications just broke our hearts.....but it set inside of me a mission, a quest and obsession that I would over come what ever hurtles thrown forth I would have a child, my child......
I spent many many months countless hours reading up on fertality issues, conception thories, trying different herbal remidies, doing all sorts of body temping charts, ovulation kits you name it I did it. During this time I had 2 more early miscarriages at ~6 weeks. 
All of this took a tole on our marriage... I dont think he'd ever admit it but I think P was fine with not having anymore children.  He has a daughter by another marriage and I think he would  have been pefectly fine with that.  The stress of my obession spowned some resentment with him because I was always the one demanding.... and getting very upset when he's try to get out of it.... I think he did that more than he needed to.
Finally after almost 4 years, 4 miscarriages and several doctors we got sucessful!!! They never really discovered what was wrong but they put me on progestrogen suppliments from conception to 14w gestation to ensure the baby was developing correctly! 
I was not a "good pregnant" woman, I didnt really bask in the glow and  enjoy all the ins and outs of pregnancy tho I was very excited....and scared, any Mom who'd had a miscarrage carries that fear with her sometimes irrationally but it's there. 
At about 32w things started getting pretty scary.  I developed pre-eclampsia (a life thretening condition that causes elevated blood pressure, decreased kidney functions and can cause sezures in the mother possibly damaging or killing the child).  I was hospitlized for 5 days and then told that I needed to be on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy....the only other alternative was to have a c-section then and she would have been VERY premature.  I really didnt want that for her so I promised to be good, promised to stay on bedrest and try to keep her put at long as possible.
During this time I started having serious GI pain, not a day would go by that I would suffer from severe reflux and vomiting.  After several trips to the OB they just kept blowing it off as me being large and at the end of my pregnancy to just suck it up and it will be over when I deliver Sarai.
June 10th 2007 the big day arrives.  I was admitted the night before and induction began.  That night an most of the morning till the epidural was miserable but once I was numb things were great.  We had one HUGE scare where my heartrate dropped into the 50's/30's and Sarai flatlined for a few seconds but our great nurses pushed meds and fix all that before any of us really realized what was going on.
Sarai makes her arrivial in a short 7 mins of pushing and all seems fine for the moment.....I asked the nurse for a coke cause I hadnt had anything in going on 20 hrs... by the time she returned the epidural had worn off in my chest area and I was screaming in the worst pain of my entire life....all I could tell them is that I was having chest pains and pleading with Jesus to make it stop.  They rushed me for an EKG of my heart and gave me some magnesum sulfate to lower my BP, then rushed me for a CT scan.  Turned out I had SEVERE pancretitus... some of the worst he'd ever seen accourding to my GI doc later.
So after a 3 day stay I was sent reluctantly home, they didnt want me to leave but they were kickin Sarai out and I didnt want her to go home without me. Hindsite this was a bad decision cause once home I got much worse, I swelled horribly because my kidneys wern't functioning and the pain was so extreme.  I made it 2 days and was readmitted where I spend another 14 days in the hospital.  I missed out on precious caring for and bonding time with Sarai during those precious first days.  It took a while and I had to fight through some post partum depression but by Sept I was able to go back to work. 
Things were better with me but it was obvious that  P still held a lot of resentment, resentment for the way he was "treated' when I was so obsessed with having a child and then resentment with me because he had to give up free time activities because my job had long hours and lots of weekend work.  We had stopped sharing a room before Sarai was born, he says because our sleeping habits are too divergant but I think that's just a load of BS. 
Patrick has a real issue with divisionn of labor when it comes to Sarai's care he holds onto the attitude that "you're the one that wanted a child so you need to be the one that cares for her"  We do a lot of segregated parenting....he refuses to back me up when I disipline Sarai he just ignores it instead of taking my side and re-enforcing what I say. 
During this time the business that we'd owned and he kept up took some nasty hits because of the decline in the housing market and it became obvious that for us to keep paying bills he'd have to find a consistant job; So I got him a job this turned into another resentment....him taking it from me and him making less money than the resentment builts. 
During this time our relationship essentially crumbled....intimacy became infrequent and miserable.  Any form of affection ceased and really the desire to even be around eachother deminished....
During the summer of 2009 we thought we got the breaks that would get us back on track.  The company we both worked for offered us new jobs and a transfer to south GA, on paper it seemed like a dream come true.... good jobs, good pay, lots of perks like a free condo till we could sell our house and find a new one..... the works.... P left first for training in April and May and by June all 3 of us were down there full time
Disaster of a whole other sort hits!!!!!!!!!  Not a month down there and they decide P isnt going to work out....we pack up our whole lives, make this big leap of faith and they wash their hands of him in a mere 4 weeks.  The salt in the wound is the one person that couldnt get along wtih P was still my boss and decided to make things a living hell for me so I had to walk away. And this was the last time (July 5th 2009) that I was held or comforted in any way by my husband.  Thankfully the company knew my record with them and allowed me to transfer and take another position doing what I had been doing before tho it was a bit further from home.  It was obvious that I had to leave this company and find a new job because of what they did to P so in October of 2009 I went back to work for a company I worked for 10 years previous only to find out on December 23th that I have AML leukemia......


Friday, March 11, 2011

Twice stolen blog challenge....

I came across a post on a good friend's blog, read it here , she had borrowed the idea from another friend on how to get in the habit of posting and adding quality to your blog entries.... so I have decided to take the 30 day challenge... hope this gives my friends and loved ones some insite into who I am now and allows me to sort and explore some of my intermost thoughts and desires..... so here is the list of upcoming posts

1.Intro about me (as my life is now).

2.The explanation for this blog, and its title.

3.A recent photo of me, and explanation of why I picked that photo.

4.My family explored.

5.My friends explained.

6.My saddest memory.

7.My happiest memory.

8.Life's biggest challenge so far.

9.A book that has had an impact on my life.

10.My hopes for this new year.

11.Something I've lost that I really miss.

12.My favorite trait about myself.

13.My least favorite trait about myself.

14.My favorite color, and why.

15.What would I do with a million dollars?

16.My favorite season, and why.

17.The hardest thing about being a mom.

18.The best thing about being a mom.

19.What I watched on TV the night before.

20.The charity/foundation that means the most to me, and why.

21.What I think the meaning of my life is (so far).

22.My favorite cartoon as a child.

23.My thoughts on religion and God.

24.My favorite piece of art.

25.A song that makes me cry.

26.Something that always makes me smile.

27.My favorite vacation.

28.If I had 3 wishes...

29.A picture of something that makes me happy.

30.My goals for the future.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Just because I have cancer doesnt make me a bad mother....

I have been dealing with a lot of guilt lately.  Some self induced and some inflicted by others around me.  BC (before cancer) I worked a very full time job, 60-80hrs a week sometimes sacrificing nights and weekends off for the sake of the job.  Cancer brought all of this to a screeching hault and replaced it with 168 days in the hospital in less than six months.  Short trips home when even then I was too sick to do much more than lay in bed and pray that my active interested inquisitive 3 year old would snuggle and love on me.
Cancer has been really hard on my little girl too.  Tho on the surfice she seems to have taken things in stride, just mention of the doctor or the hospital peeks her anxiety and she starts in saying "Momma please dont go, no more hospitals no more doctors"  When I am having a down day, like us recovering from chemo seem to have, she is very senistive patting me and worrying telling others to shush cause her mommy isnt feeling well.  A bruise on my arm send her into high allert of pats and kisses and mommy are you oks.
It really hurts to see my child worry like this, she shouldnt have to even understand the concept of a serious illness much less have to live with it.  It makes me cry to think of the fear and uncertainaty I have caused her.... She is at that age that she wants to know but cant understand.....
I try to tell her that things are ok, that Mommy is alright and the doctors are all working very hard to keep her alright,,, breaks my heart that I have brought these fears and insecurties into her life
As a parent it's our dream our job to allow our beautiful innocent children are able to remain that way as long as enjoy their youth and their blissful ignorance of the sadness and darkness that abounds in this world.....wish she didnt have to see, wish she didnt have to know......
She is my world, she is my life, she is my heart, she is my breath without her I am nothing.....